Continued from Part 1...

Negative Speech

James 3:8, "But the human tongue can be tamed by no man. It is an (undisciplined, irreconcilable) restless evil, full of death-bringing poison" (Comparative, 1984.)

Negative speech can be defined as a statement that is highly critical and lacks positive, affirmative, or encouraging features. Everyone has said something negative to someone or about someone. The negative things we say can hurt people.

Negative speech is said on a daily basis. It can be said as we walk by someone whose attire we do not like, as we drive by someone whose driving we do not approve of, or even while we are sitting in church. Many times we mumble things under our breath and people do not hear it. Sometimes we say things to other people when the party who is being talked about is not there. On occasion, we get bold and say something to the person's face.

The negative things we say to people can have negative effects. The person may rebel and do something unseemingly. The person may go into a shell. The person may even become bitter and hateful.

The negative things said can have positive effects. The person may prove the naysayors wrong. This does not happen often.

Let's look at some examples of the effects of negative speech.

Negative speech can have negative affects
Jimmy

Jimmy was always being told that he was going to be like his father, that he was stupid, and that he would never "amount" to anything by his family. (Jimmy's father was an alcoholic with a criminal record and no job.) Jimmy did not do well in school and was always in trouble.
Jimmy's mother often told him that he used the things that were said to him as a crutch. Jimmy received very little positive encouragement. Jimmy quit going to school, began to run with a gang, stole cars, and smoked marijuana. When Jimmy was about 11 years old, someone asked him why he acted the way he did. His reply, "Like father, like son." This is a very sad commentary, a very sad commentary.

Negative speech can have positive affects
Jana

Jana's mother and father were divorced. Jana had decided to go and live with her father so that she could obtain her college education. When Jana told everyone that she was going to go live with her father, there were many negative responses. She was told... she was the worst daughter ever for leaving her mother, she would never succeed, her father was no good, her father had never done anything for her, and that she would end up pregnant. Most of these things were said by church folk who professed to be saints.
Jana was very upset by the things that were said to her. Being the stubborn person that she was, she purposed in her heart to prove all of these people wrong.
Jana at this present time has a Bachelor of Business Administration degree and is working on her Masters of Business Administration degree.

Positive Speech

Proverbs 15:23 states, "A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word spoken in due season, how good it is!" (Comparative, 1984.)

Positive speech can have positive affect on people. As it states in Proverbs 15:23, a word spoken at the right time can do some good. People can say something positive and lift a person's spirit. A positive word can make someone feel better about themselves. A positive word can let a person know that they are loved. A positive word can let a person know that they are special. Let's look at some examples of positive speech.

Chandler and his mother

Everyday before Chandler's mother dropped him off at school, she would say a short prayer. It included the following lines. "Lord, make him the head and not the tail. Give him favor with the teachers and the students. Let him know that he can do all things through Christ which strengthens him."
All the teachers and students at Chandler's school liked him. They thought he was a good student and a good role model. He was well respected and many students asked for his advice. Chandler graduated at the top of his high school class.

The prayer had a lot to do with Chandler being the type of person that he was. The positive speech had a lot to do with it also. Chandler once said, "I know the prayer helped me because prayer is always major help, but I wanted to be the best and do the best because I knew that my mother had confidence in me. Positive speech brings out the good things in people.

The Effects of Speech

Speech can affect us in a number of ways. The things that are said to a person can help them or hurt them. Speech can affect us in the following ways.

• Spiritually,
• Emotionally, and
• Psychologically.

Spiritually

In Proverbs, Solomon depicted speech as a powerful weapon that can be used for good or bad. Good speech brings about good things to man. It also praises God. It is not blunt and hasty. It is thoughtful. It is used to preserve life and provide help. Good speech is a means of satisfaction, prosperity, joy, and pleasantness. It overcomes impossible barriers.

According to Proverbs, bad speech brings curses and destruction to man. It also curses God. It leads to destruction, evil, distrust, and anger.

Speech effects our spirit man. It can build it up or tear it down. It can drive a people from church or draw people to church. It can hinder or help our spirit man.

People other than pastors, elders, or other people of authority should be careful when speaking to other members, especially new converts or members. You should be lead by the Lord when speaking to people on a spiritual level. The pastor or elders might be able to say something that another member could not say, without hurting a new convert or member. Let's examine how speech effects us spiritually.

Boston and Sis. Benchmember

Boston had recently gotten saved. He was living the best he knew how. Boston liked to listen to instrumental jazz because he played the trumpet. He saw nothing wrong with it.
Sis. Benchmember happened to find out from another member that Boston liked to listen to Jazz. She went up to Boston after one service and openly denounced his listening to jazz. Everybody heard her. She told him that he was not saved and that he was going straight to hell.
Boston was so hurt and ashamed by this that he did not return to church after that. Boston has been to church about three times in the past five years, Christmas, Mother's Day, and Easter.

Clearly in the example above, Boston's spirit man was seriously wounded. He could have been spoken to differently. When speaking to someone in the church world, you should be careful how you do it. Although the Bible says, "Rebuke openly, that others may fear," it is not always expedient to do so. You must be spiritually lead by God, to know how to approach and speak to someone.

Emotionally

"Negative messages from the parent, coupled with the child's negative self-talk, become stored in the child's memory and continue to negatively reinforce his perceptions" (Keith-Oaks.)

Speech can affect a person emotionally. Negative speech can lead to the following.

• A loss of self-realization.
• A barrier to interaction with people.
• A reflection on the ability to succeed.
• An invalidation of feelings.
• Feelings of being unloved, unwanted, incapable, and insecure (Keith-Oaks.)

The emotional effects of speech are not visible, but they last a long time. Most of the time the emotional damage is not intentional. Emotional abuse exacts a very heavy toll. The victims can suffer a lifetime. The negative self-images acquired can hinder their work, social, and love life. The emotional aspect of verbal abuse can be hard to treat.

While bad speech can bring bad emotional pain, good speech can bring emotional stability to a person who needs it. It can boost their self-confidence, make them feel loved and wanted. It can make them feel secure. Let's look at an example of how speech can affect a person emotionally.

Toronto and Jane

Toronto and Jane were boyfriend and girlfriend. They had been dating for three months. Toronto was known for being shy, quiet, and introverted. He never got angry. He never raised his voice or his fists.
After awhile Jane began to tell Toronto that he was a wimp. She also told him that he was not a man because he did not fight. Jane would instigate confrontations just to see what Toronto would do. Toronto would never get mad and fight. He would just talk to the person and get them to calm down. This would upset Jane. She would tease Toronto even more.
Jane kept calling Toronto names. Eventually, they broke up. From then on Toronto felt bad about himself and he never had another healthy relationship with the opposite sex.
Toronto was emotionally scarred. He could not function emotionally in a relationship. The emotional damage made Toronto become more shy and withdrawn. Positive speech could have helped Toronto become more extroverted and assertive. Positive speech could have also focus on the fact that Toronto could walk a way from a fight without retaliating.

Psychologically

"...It's hard for me to feel happy... My mind is playing tricks on me..." (The Ghetto Boys.)

Abuse can be done both psychologically and physically. The hurt that we feel on the inside is what can hurt us the most. The psychological abuse is much more difficult to deal with than physical abuse. An abused child could become an abusive parent.

"...Children retain the negative messages, as well as the accompanying pain and humiliation, as hidden memories, and those experiences frequently turn abused children into abusive parents" (Jenish.)

A person who is psychologically abuse may exhibit the following.

• Feelings of ridicule, degradation, and shame.
• May become unfeeling, unsympathetic, and self-centered.
• May become verbally abusive themselves.
• May become withdrawn.
• May become isolated.
• May have low self-esteem.
• May fell incompetent.

A person's mind can play all kinds of tricks on them. The people who are told negative things about themselves begin to believe them. "One woman whose husband constantly told her she was fat... When she went shopping, she would try on clothes four sizes too big--and couldn't figure out why they didn't look right" (Anonymous.) Let's look at an example of how speech affects a person psychologically.

Charlotte and Orlando

Orlando are brother and sister. Orlando had a habit of making faces and snickering when he thought something was ugly or messed up. Charlotte knew that he had this habit.
Charlotte and Orlando cracked jokes and made fun of each other and other people all the time. They never really thought much of it. Charlotte did however dislike it when Orlando would make faces and snicker at her. She knew what that meant. Orlando would tell her that he was playing with her, but she always felt pain when he did it.
Charlotte once told Orlando how she felt. He just shrugged his shoulder and said, "Whatever." Orlando still snickers and makes face. Charlotte still feels hurt when he does it.

The psychological pain that people feel is real. What you think may not hurt, may in fact hurt. The psychological pain that Charlotte felt was real. Orlando chose to ignore it because he knew he was joking with Charlotte. They were brother and sister and brothers and sisters were suppose to fight, joke, and carry on. Charlotte did not feel the same way about the snickering. Orlando could have been more sensitive to Charlotte's feelings.

Colossians 3:8 states in the New American Standard Bible, "But now you also put also them aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth" (Comparative.)

We should use positive speech. Even if we have to chastise someone, we should do it without using negative words. Telling someone they are stupid, dumb, lazy, ugly, a mistake, or mean will not help. A good word spoken in due season can help a person greatly. Before you say something that might hurt someone's feelings, think about how you would feel if someone said it to you.

No one knows if Russell (the basketball star) had to go to therapy or not. If the truth be told, none of the people supporting the home team really even cared. It was fun to heckle Russell and the home team won the game. None the less, Russell was probably hurt after the game. Words do hurt, even though at times we do not want to admit it.

Bibliography

Anonymous. "Verbal Abuse Can Destroy A Relationship." USA Today, March 1995, 7.

Brudo, Ester. "The Smart One, The Pretty One, The Shy One...". Woman's Day, July 19, 1994, 78-80.

Glass, Julia. "The Brain, The Class Clown, The Shy One, The Beauty, The Princess, The Rebel, The Tomboy". Redbook, August 1993, 50-56.

Good News For Modern Man: The New Testament In Today's English Version. 1971, New York: American Bible Society.

Infante, Dominic A. "Teaching Students To Understand And Control Verbal Aggression." Communication Education, January 1995, 51-63.

Jenish, D' Arcy And Corelli, Rae. "Bad Kids Or Bad Homes." Maclean's, May 2, 1994 56-58.

Keith-Oaks, Judy. "Emotional Abuse: Destruction Of The Spirit And The Sense Of Self." Clearing House, September 1990, 31-35.

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Seligmann, Jean And Friday, Carolyn. "The Wounds That Words." Newsweek, October 12, 1992, 90-92.

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Yelsma, Paul. "Couples' Affective Orientations And Their Verbal Abusiveness." Communication Quarterly, Winter 1995, 100-114.